Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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