3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
