I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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