I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Duck Duck Cougar?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
