My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
