I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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