why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
