You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
