There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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