We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Can Purell be used as lube?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
