my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
