Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
