he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just want to make out with him forever
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
