I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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