she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
