Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
