When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
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