Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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