Moan for me like Helen Keller
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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