That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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