Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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