I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize