It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
we're so committed to being not committed
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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