watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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