I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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