Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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