Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Randomize
