if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
