im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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