this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
