I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
