I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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