you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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