Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
