I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
