my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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