textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
