I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
