i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
you never un-have a 4some
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
