WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize