But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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