My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
