Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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