there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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