you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
