I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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