just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's shark week go big or go home
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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