If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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