Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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