life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
