Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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