In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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