my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
