I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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