Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize