made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Say something about gay babies.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
