If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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