Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
