if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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