woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
